Sometimes when I want to say something no words come out. I can be saying it in my head, whatever it is that I want to say, but the words don't escape from my mouth. And it takes everything I have to finally let the words out, if I am successful. Enough times I am not. That's not a good thing because it affects my life.
I don't want to sit there with people who are engaged in conversation and not say a word, or hardly talk at all. I want to be very active in conversations. And I want to have no problem speaking up and saying whatever is on my mind, whether it's in a conversation, to ask someone something, to resolve an issue I am having with something, or to stand up for myself, etc....
I don't know why that is happening, but I think it can be fear of things like: getting made fun of, being ignored, hearing something negative from the other people, or hearing NO when I want to hear YES... It can also be me feeling like an outsider, like I don't fit in with the crowd of people I am with or the conversation I am being a part of. And it's not just when I am with strangers. It happens when I am with people I know and even those I am close to as well. I am much better at one on one conversations, can be very chatty in those, rather than those with a group of people.
I don't want that to happen. I want to be able to open my mouth at any time, with no reservations or hardships, and be able to hold engaging conversations with people, where I am very active rather than sitting there hardly saying anything. I want to be able to stand up for myself too.
How do I change? How do I become this person? I think my life will improve if I change.
Lena I find it very easy to talk with you; in fact, I think you make yourself clear and concise and you speak out greatly. Don't allow your subconscious bribe you into believing this - start and speak out like you do when we talk - love & hugs.
ReplyDeleteTalking via texting or messaging is different than talking to someone face to face...
DeleteYou may find this odd but I am EXACTLY the same way; I have been like that all of my life. People think that I am outgoing but that is just "show." I had to be like that to teach school. I "put on masks" and put forward another personality. I am actually a shy person. I think a lot of it comes from my upbringing, I have always had an issue with self-esteem although it is better now. I really appreciate your article; it "speaks" to me. (I posted this comment on your blog.)
ReplyDeleteHi Lena.. Read ur your article..
ReplyDeleteI believe we writers live in a Trance.. we are always thinking about something all the time so it becomes difficult to concentrate. I somehow feel, that over a period of time we all start liking our own company. We start finding our own thoughts more interesting than anything that is happening around us.. We are mentally composing something or the other all the time and weaving our own words.
This happens with me too. I do not enjoy being in random groups anymore. Eversince I have started writing this change is reflected where I prefer talking to like minded people and if not then talking to people with higher intellect from where I can absorb some knowledge.
If I do not find myself participating in the talks, I know for sure that I am lost weaving my own carpets of thoughts..
And your profession of a writer makes you communicate with written words than spoken words, you are either reading a piece of writing that needs to be edited or writing something that needs to be submitted. So talking is less and writing is more so your comfort zone lies in writing than talking. Your work profile is probably the reason for your worry because as an editor you are always busy judging and interpreting whatever is written, so while talking you feel everyone else is judging you too..so you are conscious when you talk and not free. These might be my analsis, may not be true but I thought I must share what I feel.
Don't worry. Either be happy in your comfort zone or try timely communication with people regarding work first and maybe then gradually u will get used to being comfortable when you talk face to face..
Regards,
Gauri